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Controlling the outcome

If you can't control an outcome

your mind will do it for you

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There has never been a time where I have felt so unmotivated, I am not working out, I have minimised my meditation practices and I am eating a sh*t ton of carbohydrates. Why? Because I am human! I am healing and still grieving. 
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No one tells you of the process of losing anyone especially your Parent. How some days you are happy and absolutely fine with an outlook of a story telling future and the next minute you remind yourself nothing is permanent. It has been 8 months since my mother died in a car accident. In that 8 months I have been showing up to work, to others and for myself. But when I feel like I do not want to be seen my mechanism is to retreat. To hide away and don't dare be seen. I want to share with you what my mind can create.
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Last week I had my wisdom teeth taken out, it was the most traumatic experience and I would have rather had my other shoulder reconstructed. However, what got me through the week was, 'I do not have to do this again'...Right there, see. I had created a story and a future resolution to the pain, 'I do not have to do it again'. When I have a bad day it is generally my own thoughts. No one creates the thought or the emotion that comes. Another example and I am reading this straight from my journal is about dating.
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So, if you don't know I am single and have been for quite some time. I am open about my reasons and it was because I had not forgiven an ex-partner for his infidelity. I tried dating after but I was the one who couldn't commit as I still was experiencing hurt and shame. What it took was my ex and I sitting down and saying to each other, I love you and I forgive you. I am dating again and it is an interesting world. Dating apps...need I say more. Where people say and request things they never would face-to-face. To meeting people and realising they are so far up there own arse they need a fifo worker to pull them out. Finally, I thank my lucky stars I have met bold, beautiful and talented people and I now have amazing connections. So let us just say it is momentous for me to be on this journey and this is where the uncontrolled thought comes to fruition.
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I was getting ready for a date and we decided to get a coffee and go on a walk. Seemed harmless right? Not in my freaking head! I went into utter melt down about an hour before the date. Have I put on too much makeup, not enough makeup, am I too dressed up or too dressed down. Anyway the list goes on and I sat down at my dresser in exhaustion and looked at my mirror. Not at myself but at my mirror. In moments like this I need words of truth and ones I made to myself.  
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I went on the date, I showed up and not for them but for me. This is what I am getting at here; In times were it is unpredictable and uncontrollable do the things that are for you. This could be having a sleep in or doing three workouts a week, baking and cooking. Studying, building plans of your dream home, paint or do absolutely nothing. Life isn't always positive or a free ride but how you learn to react in the negatives and recreate thought patterns is powerful. We have so many tools to aid in the process. Show up and dare to be seen.
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Emma 
xo

 

 

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