Diagnosed with ADD
Where did September go?
Actually, where did the last two months go?
Can you believe we have 10 weeks until Christmas!
Back that up, overthinking now about time slipping away and it is daunting.
The first week of October, I reflected and recognised I have made myself even busier. The last two weeks of September I was on a promotion course for work in Mosman, NSW. This course had me overthinking a lot about, my future, career aspects and where do I see myself going. Stop everything woman! This overthinking has sabotaged the fact I just successfully completed a promotion course and I am now a Petty Officer in the Royal Australian Navy.
Here is a photo of the class mates and tiny me in the middle creating a wave effect.
I just want to let this sink in for myself, now being 30, having a bachelors degree in science, buying my first home, traveled all around the world, started a business in a foreign country, loved and lost so much and yet here I am wondering, whats next?!
I have been so driven, on doing more, being more, having more because I can not accept the fact I am enough. This stems from childhood, diagnosed with ADD, medicated with ritalin and dexamphetamine from a very young age. My uncontrollable behaviour, which it definitely was uncontrolable and disruptive, had punishments and they were; time outs, being alone in my room or being told "stop being silly, calm down or did you take your tablet today." This is not a poor me and I had a rough childhood. I had a very loving and caring childhood and my parents made decisions based off medical professional advise. This blog is about connecting, feelings of suppressions of being yourself or being told you're "not normal" and its long term effects into adult life. Here are the effects in my experience, we never feel good enough, never proud enough, that you're always in trouble or destined to failure, compete constantly within yourself and fitness is a big visual representation to this. The effects of non acceptance has also manifested itself into my relationships and I did not accept the fact I can be loveable so I would either run away from people or willingly know I was with the wrong person, solidifying the "I am not good enough" feelings.
Since being back in Sydney, busy with work requirements and I have made the conscious effort to slow down and focus more on the tools I learned in therapy. I started therapy from a very young age, firstly when diagnosed with ADD, then again in my teens as I was assaulted and most recent manoeuvring through the tornado of grief from losing my Mum and her life in an car accident in 2019. Sometimes, a therapist is the only means to get you through life's encounters and it is also kind of sexy when you meet someone who has also been to therapy. The emotional intelligence and effects of healed trauma has on people makes them; kind, caring, compassionate and incredibly strong and are my kind of values in people. Somehow, I stopped using the therapy tools whilst being in Cairns and as soon as I was home in Sydney it instinctively started again. Journaling again, changing my daily affirmations on my mirror and practising mindfulness- this I do in the car or at home and focus on what I can hear, smell, feel or taste. Simples!
I am no longer medicated and haven't been since High School. I am feeling; stronger, calmer, in tune, less crowded in thoughts, I am not pushing for excellence or what is next and it is allowing space for things to occur with ease. I am giving myself smaller reachable achievements like reading a paragraph in a book (currently readying Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle for the second time) or drink 2L water a day. I eat well and avoid sugars. This has a massive impact on my ability to concentrate and lessens the I am not good enough feelings. Take this blog for example, this is means of expressing myself, a snippet into my emotional experiences in life and I choose to share them in my own words. If someone proof reads it and I am sure there is at least one person, will find many spelling or grammar errors and I do not mind if there is. It may trigger that person and if it does that could be a focus point to be less controlling. We all have something we can work on. My blogs are not for any motive, acceptance or poor me; it is firstly to help me express what I need and secondly to get you thinking, that not all people you see on social media are spineless, we have our stories and lives we have had to deal with too.
If my blog about being diagnosed with ADD resonates then all I want you to know is this;
You never have to do or be more, you're curiosity and expression is enough and you have purpose, all the good and all the lessons you have experienced are yours and you are always growing and moving forward, you can live your life in freedom. I also give you permission to lay in a dressing gown all day, take a 4 hour bath or have a midday nap and rest your mind knowing you are enough.
Lots of love